Thursday, May 17, 2012

Broken glass & bikinis

This has been a rough week.  I started it out with a bang by getting robbed on Monday morning.  Robbery is actually too simple of a term, because it involved a shattered window on my truck and false credit card charges, and in my world this is property damage and fraud. Pretty serious stuff to the person on the receiving end.  Just another day at the office to the criminals.  This, before I'd even had coffee or arrived at work. Hey, I was trying to do the right thing by working out at the gym at the ass crack of dawn, but it turns out that had I just kept my lazy ass in bed, Monday would have been a much more pleasant day.  O, sweet irony. Not to worry, it turns out that things really aren't that important and almost everything was replaceable. While the material comforts in life don't suck, these are not the things that come to mind when I think about true and lasting happiness. Now my husband on the other hand...

I try not to wax poetic about my delightful husband in my blog, I really do.  For one thing, I try not to involve him too much in my tomfoolery and nonsense. Another reason that I mostly avoid him as a blog topic is because those who know me are probably already sick of hearing about his awesomeness on an hourly basis. Really, it knows no bounds.  If I properly thanked him for all that he does, there wouldn't be time left for much else. Yet again, he rode in on a white horse to rescued me & I am grateful.  Unfortunately, he can't take away my fear.  I've always considered myself a pretty brave person, and suddenly the world feels like a very dangerous place to me.

This week, I also realized that the 12 pounds I recently lost is back again.  Yep. Insidious little fuckers.   I was very discouraged by that.  I know that a little extra weight here and there isn't the end of the world, but this is getting ridiculous. I'm pretty sure my bikini days are long gone, and I'm okay with that. This is about how I feel.  I want to be and feel healthier & lighter.  I want to feel confident and good about myself.  I want to live a really long time because I have about 5 million things left to do.  This week.  The really frustrating part is that I know the formula for changing something in my life.  I've done it over & over for the past eight years.  I've been doing it for so long and doing it so consistently that it has become my mantra without me realizing it. Transformation.  I truly believe we all have the power to change our lives.    I know it requires hard work & commitment and I'm baffled by the fact that I have managed to bring all other areas of my life into submission, but I cannot conquer this last frontier.  Get into shape. In some ways, it should be easier than many of the other goals I've managed to attain and the reward is pretty high.  Go figure. 

This week has also been busy at work.  A moving company picked up the last of my daughter's belongings today.  Mother's Day reminds me simultaneously that my own mother is kind of a jack-ass and that my niece & nephew got a big-time raw deal.  And I miss my sister.   I haven't been getting much art or writing done lately, and I think it's because my energy & enthusiasm are tapped. It's not often that I feel this bone-tired and uninspired.  I think I'm just on overload.

I've been thinking a lot lately about my life. Where I've been, where I'm heading.  I find myself thinking very often about how lucky I am and how fabulous my life is.  I am lucky.  But I've also worked really, really hard to completely re-haul my life and turn it into what it is at the moment. This process was not clear, quick, or easy. I don't say this to garner sympathy, admiration, or any other emotion and it's certainly not because I need to hear someone to say "You go, girl!" yet again. (I like those atta-girls, by the way.  I just don't NEED them.)  I mention it because transformation is so important.  The ability to discover who I want to be and then get myself there is vitally important to my happiness. I can do this. 

So, I'm turning over a new leaf.  I need to focus more on managing  stress, which I think is contributing to my failure to get into better shape.  I need to form new eating and exercising habits and stick to them.  I need to be kind to myself when I fail, but then I need to get my happy ass right back out there and back in the groove.  

We're heading out to Santa Fe this weekend for the El Dorado Studio Tour and I'm looking at it as an opportunity for a recalibration.  I'm going to relax, look at art, talk to artists, have a romantic evening with the love of my life, and start all over again next week with a better attitude and a spring in my step.  'Cause that's how I roll.

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